I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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