Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
