Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
