the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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