I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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