I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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