good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
