My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
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And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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