I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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