Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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