I think I died a long time ago.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
