OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
