pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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