Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
