I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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