I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
