Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
