Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
40s are totally the cure
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
