mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
