And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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