Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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