When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
