Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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