that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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