How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
