hell yes lets make some ravioli
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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