I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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