I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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