Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
