Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
