some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
