and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
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Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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