Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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