I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
