i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
