She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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