you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
