i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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