dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
