My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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