booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
