and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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