Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
