Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
