so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
