I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
