bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
