U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
