My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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