The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
