the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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