So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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