what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
