and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
