sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
