I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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