Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
