Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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