Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
