Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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