I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
